Just when I asked for an eventful week :(

Why am I so forgiving?
I am too nice for my own good.
...I will never learn.
As he held me in his arms after the whole confrontation, it felt very safe, very reassuring, but I couldn't help thinking about how he just left me to rot in humiliation. I've never had felt so betrayed, confused and hurting as I once was 2 years ago. This is why I shielded myself from certain things and even certain people. When I finally felt safe to lower these massive shields, the trust just shattered into pieces as if all that work and effort meant nothing. I felt anger, sadness, depression, chest felt heavy, tears rolling, I even felt low self-esteem. It felt as if he tore out my heart but wanted to torture it a bit before smashing the crap out of it. My respect for him dropped significantly as well. I was stabbed in the back and in the face. What was a lie and what was real? Just when I thought I could finally be myself and let myself go, something so simple and small as words can just break me back down. I felt like I had actually hit rock bottom again and the last time I felt like this, it took me almost 2 years to recover. I never meant to find out, in fact, I regret finding out but at the same time I'm glad because now I know what he's capable of and what he's willing to do or say to keep his own face or even to chase what could be false hope. I just have to raise my shields again, you can never be too careful. I think I deserved to know but does he deserve me after all that has been said and done? How will I know that I can trust again? The humiliation he bestowed upon me was very overpowering. I will not forget this, it will always be in the back of my mind whether I like it or not. Everywhere we go, there will always be rumors about everyone and everything else but when it comes from someone you trusted and cared about so much, it just makes you want to go on a rampage and do reckless shit. Sigh, 2 years ago my heart was ripped into pieces, I even felt the rips, ripping through my chest and eventually ripped out of it, I felt real heart aches. Slowly, with the help of my good friends, I picked up the pieces trying to put my heart back together. I wasn't whole to start with but last night, I felt a piece had fallen off again...
They say sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt you... well I am too weak, those hurtful words killed a part of me.
If I were the same person I was 2 years back, I know I would've lost control in this situation but I'm thankful for what happened back then. It did help shape me into the person I am today.
So how will I recover from this? That.... I do not know. I can only hope that I will never have to encounter this problem again.
It's these times when I need Josie the most, I wish I can tell her how I feel but I have to face what has become of us..
This will not be easy.... Not one bit.


A little note:
I hope you accomplished your goal when you were hurting me. I hope she feels relieved to know that there is no one else like her for you even though she's just as guilty and that you and I just happened to be conveniently stuck together.
Oh... and it wasn't Rey who introduced you to Deathnote... I did... -_-

Certainly yes.

It has been quite some time since the last time I blogged. That sounded weird... Anyway I've been working a lot of closing shifts this past week. Boss sure knows I'm not a morning person... lol. On the plus side we get to take our tips after our shift not just closing shift anymore, but this stupid girl that worked before me, who's name I will keep confidential, leaves a pile of dirty shit on the front counter and in the back counters for me to clean, doesn't even clean after herself and even has the nerve to take my tip in the jar. I was pretty pissed, even the chef complained about her... God what a bitch. -_- As if closing shift wasn't tiring already... At least we're getting new uniforms, I hate wearing that ugly yellow tshirt that looks like the Ohana ones. I think we're getting black polos from American Apparel though, so I guess that's cool.
Been having a lot of off days during badminton practice... sigh. I need to get serious for the fall open coming up in two weeks. Playing ABMXD with Bin and ABWD with Amanda. Two weeks to train... Draw day is this Sunday I believe. This tournament is going to be different and smaller because it's held in the ARC and not the Pavillion this year. We'll see how things go. I'm excited to see friends from home coming up to play. Max is even coming! Tournaments are always fun but running it... mmm is also fun but it has its downsides. Anyway, I'm really looking forward to this tournament. Hooray!
Saw Zombieland and Paranormal Activity this week. Zland was pretty funny, I liked it. Emma Stone was pretty hot in that movie.. lol. ParaAct was pretty funny too, I ws so prpared to like jump out of my seat or something, but it wasn't even that scary... disappointed I guess. The only scary/creepy part was the end where she says "I think we'll be okay now" but with the dual voice with the demon and the little creepy smile. The other parts like how she got dragged out and the very end where she looks into the camera were pretty funny I thought. Oh well.
Nothing else really happened... hmm... Planning on going to Berkeley tomorrow to visit Yuxin and return the rainbows finally.
Other than that I hope this week will be a bit more eventful. Late.