Why am I so forgiving?
I am too nice for my own good.
...I will never learn.
As he held me in his arms after the whole confrontation, it felt very safe, very reassuring, but I couldn't help thinking about how he just left me to rot in humiliation. I've never had felt so betrayed, confused and hurting as I once was 2 years ago. This is why I shielded myself from certain things and even certain people. When I finally felt safe to lower these massive shields, the trust just shattered into pieces as if all that work and effort meant nothing. I felt anger, sadness, depression, chest felt heavy, tears rolling, I even felt low self-esteem. It felt as if he tore out my heart but wanted to torture it a bit before smashing the crap out of it. My respect for him dropped significantly as well. I was stabbed in the back and in the face. What was a lie and what was real? Just when I thought I could finally be myself and let myself go, something so simple and small as words can just break me back down. I felt like I had actually hit rock bottom again and the last time I felt like this, it took me almost 2 years to recover. I never meant to find out, in fact, I regret finding out but at the same time I'm glad because now I know what he's capable of and what he's willing to do or say to keep his own face or even to chase what could be false hope. I just have to raise my shields again, you can never be too careful. I think I deserved to know but does he deserve me after all that has been said and done? How will I know that I can trust again? The humiliation he bestowed upon me was very overpowering. I will not forget this, it will always be in the back of my mind whether I like it or not. Everywhere we go, there will always be rumors about everyone and everything else but when it comes from someone you trusted and cared about so much, it just makes you want to go on a rampage and do reckless shit. Sigh, 2 years ago my heart was ripped into pieces, I even felt the rips, ripping through my chest and eventually ripped out of it, I felt real heart aches. Slowly, with the help of my good friends, I picked up the pieces trying to put my heart back together. I wasn't whole to start with but last night, I felt a piece had fallen off again...
They say sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt you... well I am too weak, those hurtful words killed a part of me.
If I were the same person I was 2 years back, I know I would've lost control in this situation but I'm thankful for what happened back then. It did help shape me into the person I am today.
So how will I recover from this? That.... I do not know. I can only hope that I will never have to encounter this problem again.
It's these times when I need Josie the most, I wish I can tell her how I feel but I have to face what has become of us..
This will not be easy.... Not one bit.
A little note:
I hope you accomplished your goal when you were hurting me. I hope she feels relieved to know that there is no one else like her for you even though she's just as guilty and that you and I just happened to be conveniently stuck together.
Oh... and it wasn't Rey who introduced you to Deathnote... I did... -_-
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1 comment:
aww Jackie =[
be strong, you will find yourself being happy sooner than you think. but be strong isn't much advice, since I can't really give you honest advice that you don't already know. you know you can do this, all by yourself. just don't forget to smile.
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